The Age of Singleness

            In a different time, I’d be labeled a spinster: a woman, over a certain age, unmarried and childless.  It is a disparaging title that goes hand-in-hand with the frequently used handle of old maid.  A hundred years ago my kind was pitied and considered to be “fussy” or “undesirable”.  To be perfectly honest with you, this viewpoint hasn’t changed much.

            I moved back to New England in early 2007 after spending more than a decade in Southern California.  I loved the laid-back atmosphere of Los Angeles mixed with the general acceptance of non-traditional lifestyles held by many of the city’s artistic occupants.  No one was pushing me to procreate and marry; interracial dating was widely accepted as was single parenthood, adoption, and gay lifestyles.  Perhaps this was only in my creative community bubble, but it was a pleasant environment to be in.  I was looking to settle down at some point, but I didn’t feel under the gun to do so. Coming back to New England was a jolt of culture shock. I went from a big city to a very little one. I couldn’t go anywhere without someone asking me about my marital or parental status.  I began to dread meeting new people.  Conversations would go something like this:

Person: You moved here from Los Angeles? Wow, how was life on the west coast?

Me: Great - the weather, the atmosphere. It was wonderful.

Person: Why did you come back?

Me: Family.

Person: Yes, we New Englanders always come back to our roots for family! So, are you married or divorced now?

Me: We do come back. I have never been married.

Person: Really? Any children?

Me: No, no children either.

Person: Oh..(trails off, not knowing what to say/ask next).

            My experiences as a fish out of water only got worse. Once I began to reconnect with old friends from school, I was instantly pushed from one “recently divorced” male to another.  I even made the mistake of going on a date with one of my father’s business associates just to appease him.  Let’s say that it became clear to me why that man was divorced more than once.I noticed that many people I met were divorced multiple times.  Why were they pushing me towards this life choice if they failed at it several times? At one point, a man asked me why I had never been married.  I said, “I’ve dated a lot of assholes”. That shut him up pretty quickly. 

            It was suggested by multiple people that I join an online dating service or two or three.  I began to feel more and more like I had to become an active hunter of available men to fit some societal prototype. On top of this humiliation was the constant reminder from “friends” that I shouldn’t give up on becoming a mother just yet.  There was still time! I just had to find that illusive man willing to marry and procreate with me.  Oh yeah, that’s simple.

            Let me be clear here: I didn’t set out to be single my entire life.  It’s just what has happened.  I have been in long-term relationships that didn’t end in marriage proposals.  Oh, I’ve been proposed to on more than one occasion, but for the wrong reasons. Two separate male friends were attempting to avoid deportation and thought I may be open to a sham marriage.  (I wasn’t).  Recently, I discovered that one of my young loves asked my father for permission to marry me.  This was a big shock, as he never asked me.  For 20 years, my dad thought that I had turned him down.  I never confronted my ex about this. What’s the point? Obviously, he had a change of heart or abject terror took over.  The simplest and most sincere marriage proposal came to me when I was just 5 years old.  One of my school friends, a boy named Billy, asked me to marry him one afternoon.  My response? “Don’t be silly, Billy. We’re too young to think of such things.” Was I wise beyond my years or shortsighted to my future single status? One will never know.

            I’m a child of the ‘60s in the sense that I was born during them.  Older females around me were very influential in what I began to read as I grew up. My mother was very traditional and young, but considered the time I was born as an awakening.  She saw the roles of females in American society were beginning to expand.  She was excited that I would have more opportunities for a career other than the approved roles of secretary, nurse, teacher, or airline attendant accepted in previous decades and encouraged me to be whatever I wanted. I embraced Gloria Steinem’s words and was a very young teen subscriber to Ms. magazine.  Of course, this was offset by my subscription to Teen Beat, but I digress.  Proudly, I became the first in my family to graduate from college and hold a Bachelor’s degree.

            I’ve drawn the conclusion that my timing on this planet is fortuitous. If I had been born a hundred years earlier and in the same circumstance things would be much worse.  While I’m not thrilled that I haven’t married, I’m not devastated by not doing it either.  My financial life isn’t dependent on whom I’ve married or how many children I’ve produced.  I have come to embrace my singleness.  It is not a pox.  There is a true sense of freedom that I experience every day that my married friends envy and my divorced friends embrace.  No matter what the future holds, I’m attempting to make my life as well rounded, joyous, and social as I can. 

            As far as old age is concerned, I’ve considered gathering a few of my close friends together to mimic The Golden Girls scenario. My biggest challenge will be finding 3 other women willing to join me on that journey.  I bet it’s still easier than finding a husband.